Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
