True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
