please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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