Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
