Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
