then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
