people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
