after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
