I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
