so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
