just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
