I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
What did we do last night that was yellow?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We have started to decorate penises.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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