I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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