Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
