Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
