we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
