sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
