i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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