i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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