is your mom at the bar?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
