Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
