haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
