You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
