I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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