I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
