I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
