Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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