Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
