I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
