My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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