so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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