This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
