I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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