Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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