I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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