Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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