dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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