When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
