Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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