I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
