New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
