some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
