you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
