She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
