I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
