You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
