Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
