I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
