There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
