i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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