Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize