If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
