Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
