Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You ruined the universe
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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