ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
