i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
