i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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