I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
