I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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