I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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