just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
